Darkness
by halsteadslindsay
Summary: Future Linstead story! An arrest gone terribly wrong, and a baby waiting for them at home.
1. Chapter 1

**Pairing: Linstead**

 **Timeline: A couple years in the future**

 **Genre: Angst/Pain**

 **A/N: I'm trying something completely different from anything I've ever written with this fic and I would love any kind critiques you can offer. Sorry for any mistakes I may have made. There will be another author's note at the end as I do not want to spoil anything.**

Dying feels almost serene. The noises that seem to follow her around are gone, and in their place there is silence. Sure, it may feel as if a burning hot iron rod had been shoved through her neck, and like there is an elephant sitting on her chest. But it's calm as the world around her slowly turns black.

She doesn't hear Jay begging her to keep her eyes open, to stay with him for just five more minutes until the ambulance could arrive. Her oxygen deprived brain doesn't allow her to think about their baby, only eight months old, waiting with the nanny for her parents to get home. The only thought in her mind is that she's dying, and everything else remains unimportant.

She didn't arrive at work this morning thinking she'd be on the floor of a house with a bullet hole in her neck a mere five hours later, but that was precisely what happened. The case they had been working had been simple, and the arrest the team had made had been almost too easy. So when a man they had not investigated burst into the room they were standing in with his gun already raised, it had been a shock that no one was prepared for. Erin had always feared that this would happen, that she would be killed on the job, and the fear had heightened even more so since becoming a mother. She was scared she would leave her daughter without a mother, and a father who would never recover and be who he was before.

She always thought that dying would feel different. That she'd have so much to say. That she'd be terrified. Even that she would be able to think. But she can't, and the darkness that had threatened to swallow her whole is the only thing there after her mind goes blank.

When she thought about this experience before she believed her thoughts would focus on the ones who mattered most to her. Hank. The only real father she had ever had. Without him, there wouldn't be the Erin Lindsay that exists; she wouldn't have done anything important with her life, and would have ended up just like her mother, in a string of marriages searching for something that she would never have, love. Camille. The mother she had longed for while she lived with Bunny. She taught her so much about love, and led her to her life now with her husband and daughter. Ella. Her daughter. The only person who could do almost nothing, and still have Erin smiling. Her existence had allowed Erin to be happier than she ever thought possible. Jay. The only reason she was still living after Nadia's death. The person who had given her more than she could have ever imagined; a home filled with love and laughter. They shared a love so strong she knew they would be able to do anything. She truly had made a home with him, and the thought of being ripped from it had given her countless nightmares, but Jay had always been there when she was ripped from sleep by these. He had comforted her, telling her that he would do everything he possible could to not allow it to happen.

But his best had not been enough.

Jay heard the sound of the gun going off, and he knew the path the bullet was taking was right toward his wife. Time seemed to slow down as he watched her fall backward; then even more as he saw the blood spilling out from her neck, but his gun fired toward the man within seconds and he had fallen limply toward the ground. He felt as if everything was moving in slow motion, and as hard as he tried he couldn't get to Erin a fast as he wanted. When he finally reached her though, and put his hands against the bullet hole in her neck, time sped up again, and his fingers could do nothing to stop the blood from rushing out from between them. He could hear Hank radioing for an ambulance and backup, but he could only focus on Erin, the love of his life, lying before him, bleeding out onto the tile floors.

He had prided himself on being someone who never begged for anything, but in this moment he begged whatever higher power there is to not take Erin away from him and their daughter. He begged Erin to keep her eyes open and on him. And he begged her to just stay alive until the ambulance could take her away to the hospital. But soon her eyes drifted shut, and the shallow breathing he could feel previously ceased seconds before the paramedics could reach her.

He knew Erin had been terrified of the possibility that she would be ripped from this earth by a small piece of metal fired from the gun of some criminal, but he had never allowed himself to truly realize that it could happen. He didn't know if he would be able to survive without her. He couldn't believe that the happy and safe place they had created together, the one they had lived in with their daughter for the last eight months, could be ripped from him. He had expected to grow old with her, to retire in Wisconsin together, to have more kids, and then spoil their grandkids rotten together.

He could feel the tears spill from his eyes as the paramedics pushed him away from her so they could assess her. He could feel his body wanting to give up and sink to the ground, but he followed them to where they were loading her into the ambulance, and he laced their fingers together as soon as he could. The line tracing the monitor that proved she was still alive, even if barely, was the only thing that allowed him to remain in some semblance of control in that moment as they raced toward the hospital. But when she was taken away by the doctors and rushed toward the operating room he couldn't stop himself from kicking a chair so hard it made an indent in the wall and then falling into it while sobs racked his body.

 **A/N 2: I do hope you enjoy where I take this in the next few chapters, but I apologize in advance cause it'll be painful before it's happy. I know very little about medicine and injuries of these sorts, only what I've been taught in my high school anatomy class and what I've researched myself, so I will be skipping over a lot of things that would have happened with an injury like this.**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: I'm happy to see that a lot of you seem to like this fic so far. And to you VFBFan, I always imagined Linstead having a baby girl first, and this story will remain central to Erin and Jay's relationship. ;) I apologize for any mistakes in the chapter as I have only proofread it once, but I wanted to get it up asap, and I still have a lot of school work to do. I'm trying to get an update up every weekend, but my finals are starting so updates may not be very frequent. Also, it seems as if my page breaks aren't showing up so if anyone knows how to fix that please lmk!**

Jay is slouched forward in what he has deemed to be the most uncomfortable chair he has ever had the displeasure of sitting in, and he had long given up on trying to find a pleasant position to rest in as his waited for any news about Erin's condition from a doctor. Seconds feel like minutes and minutes feel like hours, but he can't bring himself to do anything other than to sit in this chair and pray that he would get more time with Erin. That they would get more time with their baby, together.

The entire team had joined him in the waiting room only a few minutes after he had regained control over his body and was able to stop the tears from escaping his eyes. The red rings that surrounded his eyes had been a dead giveaway through, so he wasn't surprised when he received comforting pats on the shoulder by everyone as they passed him to sit. But when Voight spoke the words that "She's strong and she'll pull through, I'm sure of it." his voice betrayed his sure words by breaking, and Jay's shoulders again began to shake with silent sobs because what if she wasn't okay? What would he do without her?

Will joined the group later, offered Jay a coffee which he declined, and then sunk down into the chair beside him. Jay was glad Will was not offering him any useless words of comfort because he knew the only thing that would make him feel better was knowing Erin was okay, and Will seemed to realize this.

The reruns of an old soap opera playing on the TV is the only sound in the room for hours between offers to get food or coffee. So when he heard two sets footsteps that he could only assume to be coming from the doctors come into the waiting room his body quickly raised to an upright position. He wasn't sure how long they had waited, only that Burgess and Ruzek had left to pick up Ella from his and Erin's house and take Ella home with them for the night a little while ago, so he assumed it must be close to her bed time. He could only offer a mumble of thanks when she offered, and the sad smile Burgess gave him before they left made it so he had to do everything in order to not break down again. He didn't want to live in a world where his baby couldn't fall asleep in his or Erin's arms every night, and he didn't want to think of how hard everything would be if Erin wasn't there with him.

"Hello, I'm looking for the family of Erin Halstead." The doctor stated, and he introduced himself as Dr. Latham after Jay rose and said, "I'm her husband." And Voight added, "I'm her father."

The doctor then began to spew medical jargon which neither was able to understand "The surgery was more simple than we initially expected. The cranial nerves do not appear to be damaged which we are very pleased with, but deep tendon reflexes were absent bilaterally upon arrival, although they have shown significant improvement; something we will remain to examine, but believe they will reappear completely within the next hours. A large left anterior neck hematoma was present because of a lacerated left external jugular vein, but we were able to ligate. A cervical spine CT revealed multiple bullet fragments, which we were able to remove without complication. Both carotid pulses remained palpable, and no spinal cord damage was exhibited."

Voight was the first to ask, "So, what does this mean." and Dr, Rhodes, who had been standing behind Dr, Latham, cut in then. "It means that we were able to repair everything and are optimistic Erin will have a full recovery with therapy after given time to recover."

Jay was stunned by these words. He could not lie and say that say that he wasn't worried about what was to come, but she was alive, and that is what he chose to focus on in that moment.

"Thank you," Jay replies. "When can I see her?"

"Soon," Dr. Rhodes replies,"She's being moved to the ICU right now, so we'll have someone come and get you as soon as she is allowed visitors."

Dr. Rhodes comes back after what Jay can only describe as an eternity of waiting; after he knew Erin was okay all he wanted to do see her, hold her hand, and tell her he loves her. Dr. Rhodes leads him to Erin's room and his face is stained with tears once again when his hand reaches for hers. The chair in this room was at least more comfortable, and he prepares himself for a long night.

Erin feels the pressure lift off her chest while she is still unconscious, but she can still feel the searing heat the bullet left in her neck as it traveled through her flesh. Her subconscious seems to realize that she is still alive, that the paramedics made it to her in time, that she didn't have to leave the people she loves most in this world. She can't speak toward the fact that she will be okay, but at the very least she knows that she is still alive.

The fog that had engulfed her earlier seems to be floating away, and she can sense a presence. She can hear someone moving around her bed and then leaving the room. She can feel a pressure inside her throat. She can feel her chest moving up and down rhythmically and realized that was the doing of the ventilator, but her lungs are desperate for more air, a feeling she had not noticed until now, and it felt like she was suffocating. She tried to take in more breaths of air than the ventilators setting was allowing, and even though it did not seem to help, she continued.

The beeping of the alarm on the machine Erin's ventilator woke Jay up from a fitful sleep. Voight had gone home the after the first day Kim and Adam had taken care of Ella to Erin and Jay's apartment to take care of her, and he had done so for the last two days. Jay had been grateful to be able to stay with Erin for this time because the hours he had spent without her, at their home, with their daughter, had been torture. He knew he needed to go home soon, but he was terrified if he left something would happen and he would lose Erin for good this time. He heard a nurse's frantic footsteps rush into the curtained area they were currently keeping Erin in the ICU, and then shouting for a doctor, but he can only focus on Erin's eyes, which had shot open, and he can see the panic in them as she searches for some hint of familiarity that can clue her to where she is, the beeping of machines, and the doctors allow her to realize she is in the hospital, and then everything that had happened rushed back to her. Getting shot and then feeling as if she was certainly going to die.

Her eyelids had been so heavy, but the need to know where she was had been stronger. When she opens her eyes though she can feel everything, see everything, hear everything. Figures hovering over her, shouting orders out, indescribable pain.

Her eyes focus on Jay, standing beside her with a look of utter terror on his eyes as the doctor calls out an order for an anesthetic, and she realizes how scared he must still be, but when the doctor finally look at him and explains that she's only panicking and will be okay, he allows himself to, sink into the uncomfortable leather chair the hospital had provided him with, and once again take her hand in his.

The drug courses through her veins and she becomes so tired. Her limbs feel like they're made of lead, and she has trouble focusing, but she can feel the steady rhythm of Jay running his thumb over the back of her hand as darkness claims her once again.

When she wakes up again, she's in a different room, and although she knows she's been asleep for hours she feels no better. Her whole body aches now, but the pain in her neck has seemed to dull. Her hand feels cold because the warmth from Jay's hand was no longer being provided. She turns her head to look for him, but her neck starts screaming at her in agony. Her mind feels cloudy from the pain, but when she sees Jay outside talking to Voight, with their daughter in his arms, she relaxes and lets herself slip into sleep again, but this time as a smile graces her lips.

She is gently awoken this time by Hank's rough fingers floating over the skin of her arm. His touch is warm and it's something she never wants to be without again. It gives her the strength to drag her eyelids open. The ventilator is gone now, and she takes a deep breath that burns as it goes down her throat, but the feeling of being able to breathe again is almost heaven.

Hank hadn't noticed that she was awake, so when she speaks the simple word moments later, "Hi," he is shocked, and can't force a word out of his mouth in that instant. The doctors had said she would probably wake up again sometime soon after they removed the ventilator, but after six hours of waiting, Jay decided to go home and take care of Ella for the night, and try to sleep in his bed, even though it felt so empty without Erin there to share it with.

Hank knew Jay would be disappointed to miss this, but he also knew Jay would be overwhelmingly happy that she was awake, and not panicking like the first time. Erin's eyes focused on the cup of water that had been left by a nurse on the table by the side of her bed, and when Hank realizes what her eyes are pleading for he guides the straw into her mouth. Even though the water is not cold it soothes in a way that feels amazing.

When she speaks her next words, "Where's Jay?" some of the hoarseness to her voice is gone.

Hank replies that "It's 2 AM. He's at home with Ella." And then asks her, "Do you want me to call him?" Even though she knows he probably hasn't gotten enough sleep recently, and that he would have to drag Ella to the hospital she nods.


End file.
